Last fall, I attended 5 funerals within a couple of weeks. Two of those were within hours of each other. It was emotionally exhausting and I cried my eyes out but I’m grateful to have attended each one.
When someone we care about is faced with tragedy we want to offer something encouraging and kind but there have been things I’ve said that later I’ve regretted.
Things like:
I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
This one now makes me cringe. We’ve got to stop reminding people in the throes of grief that, currently our life is pretty good. They aren’t having to imagine the shock and heartache. They’re living it.
I know exactly how you feel.
Nope. We don’t. We never will. Even if we’ve been in a similar situation, we’re not them.
God needed another angel.
God doesn’t take our loved ones because he has a staffing problem in Heaven (as a friend of mine once said).
This is God’s plan.
God’s plan for our life isn’t for us to hurt, suffer and struggle. God’s plan is for us to get to Heaven and take as many people as we can with us. He wants us to have peace and joy. He gives it abundantly. He loves us. He wants the best for us and the best is to love, honor and obey Him. Making God’s plan anything else is bad theology. Please make it stop.
God will never give you more than you can handle.
Again, more bad theology. Although a very popular saying, this isn’t even in the Bible. What Paul says in I Corinthians 10:13 is that God will never allow us to be tempted in a way in which we cannot stand. The verse goes on to say that God will always provide a way out of that temptation. Sadly, the world will continually heap things upon us that we can’t handle. The death of a loved one, a diagnosis we can’t accept, the end of a marriage. Moments that we will never be able to face without the love, strength and patience of our Father. He is able to handle anything life offers. We need to cast our cares upon Him (Psalm 55:22, I Peter 5:7).
Everything happens for a reason.
Not. True. And dangerous to the hearts and souls of those who have been abused. To those who have lost loved ones. To those who have witnessed unspeakable acts of evil. What is true is that God can work good out of every situation for those who love, follow and trust him (Romans 8:28).
Maybe we should find a few new things to say, like:
This isn’t fair.
Because, let’s face it, it’s not. Thankfully, our God is.
This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.
The truth is, we were created to live in a perfect world walking face to face, hand in hand with our Father. Sin robbed us that and beckoned death, disease and destruction. But out of great love, God has made a way through Jesus for us to one day live in that kind of harmony with him again.
I’m so sorry. I love you and I’m praying for you.
I’ve heard well-meaning people say, “I can’t do much but I’ll pray.” Folks, there is nothing better we can do than pray! Prayer isn’t the last resort. It’s the first step of defense, recovery and victory.
Or maybe we need to be more like the friends of Job before they thought they had life figured out and tried to offer their ill-fated advice. Job had lost his children, his health and his livelihood (Job 1-2). He was in agony and his friends
(like good friends do) quickly came to his side. For seven days, they sat in silence with him and were great comforts until they opened their mouths. If you’re like me and get flustered in difficult situations, the best thing to say may be nothing at all.
Being present in the storm is what your friends need most of all even if it hurts, even if it’s awkward, even if you don’t know what to say. Even if you’d rather be anywhere else in the entire world, just be there, offer a listening ear and pray.