By Timothy B. Tater

(AURORA/CANTON, Ky.)-In what can only be described as the most passive-aggressive business rivalry since the great hot dog cart feud of Times Square, two entrepreneurs have simultaneously opened identical package liquor stores on opposite ends of the Eggners Ferry Bridge. Both establishments boldly proclaim themselves as “The Last Chance Liquor Store,” creating what local officials are calling “a customer service nightmare wrapped in a trademark lawsuit.”

The Eastern Front: “Last Chance Liquor Store (The Real One)”

Proprietor Delbert “Del” Maddox stands proudly outside his establishment, located precisely 50 feet from the bridge’s eastern approach. “We’re the REAL Last Chance,” he declares, adjusting his commemorative “SHIP HAPPENS” t-shirt. “Folks heading west better stock up here, because once you cross that bridge, you’re in enemy territory.”

Del’s store features the complete collection of Delta Mariner memorabilia, including the crown jewel of his inventory: hand-crafted Delta Mariner vs. Eggners Ferry Bridge snow globes. “You shake it up, and little plastic ship parts fall like snow,” he explains with evident pride. “It’s art, really. Tragic art.”

The establishment also boasts an impressive array of porcelain angels (“Because everyone needs a little divine intervention after what happened here”), custom LEGO sets depicting the infamous collision, and refrigerator magnets bearing slogans like “I Survived the Eggners Ferry Crossing” and “My Bridge Got Shipped.”

The Western Front: “Last Chance Liquor Store (The ACTUAL One)”

Not to be outdone, proprietor Bethanne “Beth” Clemmons has established her competing “Last Chance” fortress on the bridge’s western terminus. “Del’s got it all backwards,” she insists, polishing a Captain Bobblehead of the Delta Mariner. “We’re the LAST chance before you head into the great unknown of Marshall County. His store is just the ‘First Chance’ wearing a fake mustache.”

Beth’s inventory mirrors Del’s with suspicious precision, right down to the “What Nots” section, which she defensively describes as “miscellaneous maritime-themed tchotchkes that may or may not include miniature life preservers, toy tugboats, and salt-water taffy from Ohio.”

Her snow globes, she claims, are superior because “the plastic debris floats more realistically” and her porcelain angels are “blessed by my Aunt Meredith, who’s practically a deacon.”

The Great Merchandise War

The competition has escalated beyond simple commerce into what locals call “The Battle of the Bobbleheads.” Both stores claim to have the “authentic” Delta Mariner Captain Bobblehead, though neither can identify who the captain actually was, or if the cargo ship even had a captain who resembled the generic nautical figurine they’re selling.

“Mine’s got the official squint of a man who’s seen too much,” claims Del.

“Well, mine’s got the thousand-yard stare of maritime tragedy,” counters Beth.

The LEGO situation has become particularly heated. Both stores sell sets titled “Build Your Own Maritime Disaster!” but with crucial differences. Del’s version includes 347 pieces and comes with a tiny bridge that “collapses realistically.” Beth’s boasts 352 pieces and features “authentic water damage effects” achieved through a light blue wash over the plastic bricks.

Customer Confusion Reaches Peak Levels

Travelers approaching from either direction now face an unprecedented dilemma. GPS systems have begun malfunctioning in the area, with some devices reportedly announcing: “In 500 feet, turn right at the Last Chance Liquor Store. No wait, turn left at the Last Chance Liquor Store. Recalculating… recalculating… just pull over and flip a coin.”

Local resident Martha Kingsley reports being trapped in what she calls “the liquor store loop of confusion.” “I needed beer for my husband’s birthday and cigarettes for my nerves,” she explains. “I stopped at the first Last Chance, but then worried I was missing out on better prices at the second Last Chance. I’ve been driving back and forth for three hours. My husband’s birthday was yesterday.”

The Smoke and What Not Factor

Both establishments have expanded their tobacco offerings to include what they mysteriously refer to as “premium smokes and what nots.” When pressed for details, Del becomes evasive: “We got your Marlboros, your Camels, your… other items that may or may not be tobacco-adjacent. It’s a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation.”

Beth’s approach is similarly cryptic: “Let’s just say we cater to all kinds of… breathing preferences. Cash only, no questions asked, no eye contact required.”

Legal Implications and Trademark Confusion

Local attorney Jasper Whitfield has been retained by both establishments, apparently without either party realizing they’re sharing legal counsel. “It’s a fascinating case study in intellectual property law and geographical impossibility,” Whitfield notes. “How can two businesses both be the ‘last chance’ when they’re on opposite ends of the same bridge? It’s like a philosophical paradox with liquor licenses.”

Economic Impact and Tourism Boost

Despite the confusion, the dueling Last Chance Liquor Stores have become an unexpected tourist attraction. The Eggners Ferry Bridge Commemorative Gift Shop (located, inconveniently, in Murray, twelve miles away) reports a 300% increase in sales of “I Survived the Last Chance Decision” t-shirts.

Local motel owner Randy Patterson has capitalized on the situation by offering “Bridge Liquor Store Package Deals” that include overnight accommodation and “complimentary shuttle service to both Last Chances, so you can comparison shop without the DUI risk.”

The Angels Have the Final Word

Perhaps most telling is the competing porcelain angel displays. Del’s angels are arranged pointing west, as if blessing travelers on their journey across the bridge. Beth’s angels point east, apparently welcoming souls back from whatever dangers lie beyond.

As this reporter left the scene, both proprietors were seen standing in their respective doorways, arms crossed, staring across the bridge at their rival. Between them, the rebuilt Eggners Ferry Bridge stands as a testament to resilience, recovery, and the indomitable American spirit of competitive retail.

The Last Chance Liquor Store War continues, with no end in sight and no clear victor. But one thing is certain: whether you’re heading east or west, you’ll have your last chance to stock up on beer, spirits, and questionably legal “what nots.”

And maybe, just maybe, a porcelain angel to watch over your journey.

“SHIP HAPPENS” t-shirts available at both locations for $19.99. Cash only. No returns.