By Timmy T. Tater, Editor and Chief Spud
The Sweet Potato
You know the type. They walk into a room and somehow the air gets heavier. Someone tells a joke at the water cooler and while everyone else is laughing, they’re standing there with their arms crossed like a disappointed principal, muttering, “Must be nice to have time for jokes.”
These are the people who have turned being miserable into a competitive sport. And they’re winning. These are also the humans that hated The Beatles, indoor plumbing and the two piece bikini. I’ll admit, the swimsuit can be a bit disturbing on the wrong spud, but I think you catch my drift.
They’ve got this special talent for finding the dark cloud around every silver lining. You could tell them you won the lottery and they’d immediately launch into a lecture about the tax implications and how money doesn’t buy happiness and also, did you know lottery winners are statistically more likely to be unhappy? They’ve got the statistics memorized. They’ve got charts.
The really impressive thing is how they’ve convinced themselves that suffering is somehow more authentic than joy. Like happiness is for simpletons who don’t understand how the world really works. They’re the intellectual version of people who brag about only sleeping four hours a night—as if being exhausted (or miserable) is a badge of honor.
Take snow days, for instance. Some superintendents try to make the announcement fun—maybe a creative voicemail from say…oh, I don’t know, maybe King Charles III or hmmm, let’s see…Oprah?
What a fun, memorable way to deliver good news to excited kids! And you know, maybe the little joke will make a few of the students curious enough to look up who King Charles III is, or what made Oprah famous.
But Eeyore?
The old, grey donkey is…outraged! “This is UNPROFESSIONAL,” they type furiously on Facebook. “A superintendent’s job is SERIOUS BUSINESS!” And honestly? Reading those Facebook comments is one of the great joys of life—watching someone work themselves into a absolute fury over something that doesn’t matter in any way to them or their lives. A school administrator they most likely don’t know, made a thirty-second voicemail, and somehow this has ruined their entire morning, day, month and entire winter.
And you best not mention anything free or convenient! “This AI program is free?” they’ll say, eyes narrowing suspiciously. “Nothing’s free. It’s YOUR TAX DOLLARS.” Never mind that it’s actually a private company. Seriously, a free login! Ya know, like Facebook?!?!? Never mind that you can show them the receipts. They’ve already decided how reality works, and your facts are just… inconvenient.
Speaking of which: their opinions? Set in concrete and delivered from Mount Sinai. Your opinions? Adorable little thoughts that don’t count because you obviously haven’t considered the real issues on this messy planet like they have.
The tragedy is that these folks are missing out on the good stuff. Life’s got enough genuine problems without inventing new ones or inflating small ones to catastrophic proportions. There’s something deeply funny about a person who’s so determined to be unhappy that they’ll twist themselves into logical pretzels to maintain their misery. And something very troubling, too…just like Pagliacci, you know, the sad clown.
But here’s the thing: you can’t fix them. You can’t joke them out of it or reason them out of it. The best you can do is smile, nod, and remember that their mood is their choice. Your mood is yours.
And if they want to spend their days scowling at free things and other people’s laughter? Well, that’s on them. The rest of us have jokes to laugh at, tax-free AI programs to enjoy, and Facebook comment sections to read with popcorn in hand.
