Another October has arrived, and with it, the now annual disappointment of playoff baseball games being played without their rightful participants: the St. Louis Cardinals. What’s the point, really?
The Best Fans in Baseball Deserve Better
As everyone knows, Cardinals fans are objectively the most knowledgeable, passionate, and deserving fanbase in all of professional sports. We understand the game at a molecular level that other fans simply cannot comprehend. When we’re not in the postseason, it’s not just Cardinal Nation that suffers—it’s baseball itself that loses its meaning.
A Cardinal-Less October Is Just A Reintroduction to TV Land
Without the Cardinals, what are we even watching? Teams we don’t care about? Players who didn’t grow up dreaming of wearing the birds on the bat? Games played in stadiums that aren’t Busch Stadium? It’s like watching a cooking show where nobody uses the proper ratio of provel cheese.
The Yankees and Dodgers might have their “history” and their “Hall of Famers” and their “larger media markets,” but do they have 11 championships? Well, yes, in the Yankees case…But do they have our 11 championships? They do not.
The Devil Magic Deficit
Without Cardinals devil magic in the playoffs, we’re left with mere mortal baseball. No improbable comebacks. No rally squirrels. No majestic Clydesdales leaving their unbelievable nostril-stinging horse patties in front of the 3rd Base dugout. No infield fly rules in the—outfield. No So Taguchi, Pete Kozma or Matt Adams. No David Freese. No Albert, Ozzie, Yadi, Carp and Waino (kinda…Uncle Charlie is killing it in the broadcast booth). Just…regular baseball. With normal probabilities? Who wants to watch that?
Other teams celebrate “getting hot at the right time” or “clicking as a unit.” How pedestrian. We prefer our October success inexplicable and vaguely supernatural, thank you very much.
Think of the Children & Fredbird
What message does it send to young Cardinals fans when they turn on the TV in October and see—gasp—the Phillies? Or the Brewers? That green vulgar mascot named the Phanatic and his beer drinkin’ pal up in the cheese state, Bernie.
Our man, newly minted Hall of Famer Fredbird is a wholesome beaking bastion of what is best about Fall Ball. Our children are being deprived of their birthright: watching meaningful baseball in October while our favorite Birdbrain waves “That’s A Winner” after each dub!
Changes for the Betterment of Mankind
Major League Baseball should implement a simple rule: if the Cardinals don’t make the playoffs, cancel October. Just skip straight to November. Award the championship to whoever had the best record, or better yet, award it to the Cardinals anyway as a gesture of goodwill and recognition of our current suffering.
Alternatively, institute a wild card spot specifically reserved for “teams whose fans really, really care about baseball in the right way.” We promise we wouldn’t abuse this privilege more than 20 or 30 consecutive years. Maybe, just call it the “Wild Cards” Champions provisional.
In Conclusion
Are the playoffs technically “valid” without the Cardinals? Sure, in the same way that pizza without cheese is technically still “flatbread with toppings.” It exists, but why would you want it to?
So as you settle in to watch October baseball this year, remember: you’re not watching the best postseason possible. You’re watching a beautiful game marred by the conspicuous absence of its most deserving participants.
And whose fault is that? I think that this one falls squarely on Mo and the DeWitt’s becoming land tenants across the street.
Go Cards!
