There I was, innocently watching a baking competition, when suddenly I’m treated to a slow-motion close-up of a razor gliding across what appears to be someone’s bikini line in high-definition glory. My grandmother used to delicately refer to these regions as “down there” with a slight cough and averted eyes. Now we’ve got a full cinematographic study, complete with aloe vera ribbons and a soundtrack that suggests this woman is experiencing spiritual transcendence through hair removal.
When did we decide that the dinner hour was the perfect time to zoom in on body parts that previous generations went to great lengths to pretend didn’t exist?
The Pharmaceutical Follies
But wait—there’s more! Speaking of things nobody asked for, can we discuss the pharmaceutical ads that look like they were choreographed by a Broadway director having a fever dream?
Picture this: A woman in a flowing dress twirls through a field of wildflowers. An animated butterfly lands on her finger. A golden retriever bounds toward her in slow motion. And somewhere in the background, a soothing voice whispers sweet nothings about “moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.”
By the end of the thirty-second production, complete with costume changes and what appears to be an entire dance troupe emerging from behind a waterfall, I have absolutely no idea what the medication does. I just know that taking it might make me want to frolic in meadows and befriend woodland creatures. Or possibly cause “irreversible liver failure, sudden blindness, and in rare cases, spontaneous yodeling.” But hey, look at that sunset!
The Great Deodorant Exposition of 2025
And then—THEN—we arrive at the pièce de résistance: full-body deodorant.
Not content with protecting our underarms, we now apparently need testimonials about how we’ve been secretly reeking from our knee pits this entire time. Real people (actors) share their heartfelt journeys of discovering they smell like a locker room from the waist down. “I didn’t know my inner thighs needed deodorizing until I saw this ad!” one woman chirps enthusiastically, as if she’s just discovered penicillin.
Do people really stink so magnificently that we need coverage from scalp to sole? Have we, as a species, suddenly become odorously challenged in regions we previously handled just fine with soap and water? Or—and hear me out—are we being sold solutions to problems that were invented in a marketing meeting three months ago?
“Jenkins, deodorant sales are flat. What if we convinced people their entire bodies are offensive?”
“Brilliant! Get me someone willing to talk about their underboob sweat on camera!”
The Incontinence Exposé
But surely, SURELY, we’ve reached the bottom. We haven’t.
Because now we have bladder leak commercials featuring women in states of undress that would make a Victoria’s Secret ad blush, all while discussing the mechanics of urinary function with the casual enthusiasm of someone describing their favorite taco truck.
Nothing says “discreet protection” quite like a woman in a sports bra and yoga pants in an aerobic workout that pauses to cheerfully announcing her bladder’s unreliability to millions of viewers. The subtext seems to be: “Yes, I may occasionally wet myself, but look how attractive I am while doing it!”
It’s empowerment meets TMI in a collision that leaves everyone uncomfortable—except, apparently, the advertising executives who greenlit this fever dream.
A Modest Proposal
So here’s my suggestion: Let’s just lean all the way in. Why stop at bikini lines and bladder control?
Coming soon to a television near you:
- Hemorrhoid cream ads featuring interpretive dance
- Fungal nail treatment commercials with a jazz ensemble
- Colonoscopy prep beverages advertised by a cheerleading squad
We could have a whole prime-time lineup devoted to body functions, intimate grooming, and pharmaceutical solutions for conditions you didn’t know you had. Call it “Overshare Theater.”
Or—and this is radical—we could acknowledge that some things don’t need to be visual experiences. Some products can be marketed with a whisper of dignity. Some bodily functions can remain in the “we all know this exists but we don’t need a cinematic universe about it” category.
But what do I know? I’m just someone who misses the days when commercials showed you the product, told you what it did, and didn’t require therapy afterward.
And, just remember…”Nothing is Everything!” Which is one of the deepest marketing thoughts of all time and I can’t figure out if its everything or not…