By Elvis P. McNasty, Contributor
The Sweet Potato
Every time I turn around, there’s another one of these useless “special days” cluttering up the calendar. Daughter’s Day, Wife’s Day, Step Uncle’s Day, Cat Day – give me a break! Who’s coming up with this?
The calendar’s supposed to tell us when to pay our bills, not guilt-trip us into buying flowers for every Tom, Dick, and Harriet in our lives.
Let’s start with this “National Daughter’s Day” business. I have a daughter. She’s fine and doesn’t need a day. She’s got a birthday and that’s enough cake and candles for anybody. Why do I need some Hallmark stooge telling me to make a fuss on some random Tuesday in September? And don’t get me started on “Wife’s Day.” Mrs. McNasty’s been putting up with me for 40 years—bless her heart—but she doesn’t need a special day to remind her I’m a pain in the rear rend. I remind her every day, trust me.
It must be a conspiracy – cooked up by the greeting card companies and flower shops to bleed us dry. Every week it’s something new—Sons Day, Grandparents Day, National Goldfish Day. What’s next? And don’t even get me started on “International Coffee Day.” I love coffee but It doesn’t need a day.
Back in my day, we celebrated normal holidays. Christmas, Thanksgiving Fourth of July, Labor Day – when you could skip work guilt-free. Now every day’s some touchy-feely celebration of something nobody cares about. I checked my calendar last week, and it’s got World Smile Day. World Smile Day, really? Good grief.
I’m telling you, it’s just another scam. They’re trying to wear us down, guilt us into spending money on cards and gifts for every possible person, pet, or kitchen appliance. How about National Toaster Day? Bah! I say we block these fake holidays off the calendar and go back to basics. Give me a day to celebrate something real, like Leave Elvis Alone Day. Now that’s a holiday I could support.
Now you kids get off my lawn.
ELP