Chapter 1: The Uprising from Below
Deep beneath the muddy waters of the Mississippi River, construction crews worked in shifts around the clock, their hard hats gleaming under fluorescent lights as they carved through centuries of river bottom sediment. But this wasn’t just any tunnel—this was Project Underminer, the most audacious infrastructure plot in the history of the Missouri-Kentucky border.
“Sir, the ferry spotted our ventilation shaft again,” reported Chief Engineer Patricia Drillmore, adjusting her safety goggles nervously. “Captain Beauregard Jenkins of the Dorena-Hickman Ferry sent another strongly worded letter. This one’s written in what appears to be… maritime calligraphy.”
Project Director Malcolm Subterranean III dismissed her concerns with a wave of his muddy glove. “Let the old sea dog write all the fancy letters he wants. Soon, his precious ferry will be nothing more than a floating museum piece. People will cross this river in climate-controlled comfort, listening to smooth jazz and sipping complimentary tunnel water!”
Chapter 2: The Ferry Strikes Back
Meanwhile, aboard the venerable Dorena-Hickman Ferry, Captain Jenkins paced the deck like a man possessed. His weathered hands gripped a pair of binoculars as he scanned the river for signs of the underground insurgency.
“Thirty-seven years I’ve been ferrying folks across this here river,” he muttered to his first mate, Dolores Riverwind. “Thirty-seven years of honest, above-ground transportation. And now these tunnel people think they can just… burrow underneath us like some kind of fancy moles?”
Dolores nodded sagely while polishing the ferry’s brass bell. “Don’t you worry, Cap’n. This old girl has weathered floods, ice storms, and that time someone tried to bring a circus elephant aboard. She ain’t going down without a fight.”
Captain Jenkins’s eyes gleamed with determination. “Dolores, initiate Operation Muddy Waters. It’s time to remind these subterranean upstarts that the river belongs to those who respect its surface!”
Chapter 3: The Escalation
The first sign of Ferry Resistance came during the tunnel’s grand opening ceremony. As Mayor Gladys Shortcut of New Madrid prepared to cut the ceremonial ribbon, the Dorena-Hickman Ferry appeared directly overhead, playing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” through a mounted loudspeaker at maximum volume.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Captain Jenkins’s voice boomed across the water, “you are witnessing the desecration of a proud transportation tradition! This tunnel represents everything wrong with modern society—impatience, a fear of fresh air, and a disturbing obsession with avoiding perfectly good water!”
The crowd gathered for the tunnel opening looked up nervously as Captain Jenkins continued his aquatic sermon. Several elderly tourists aboard the ferry cheered and waved small American flags.
But Director Subterranean was not deterred. “Citizens of the Mississippi River Valley!” he shouted back through a megaphone. “No longer must you be slaves to ferry schedules! No longer must you worry about weather delays or the whims of river currents! The future is underground, and the future is now!”
Chapter 4: The Battle for Hearts and Minds
The conflict intensified as both sides launched competing advertising campaigns. The tunnel’s marketing team, led by consultant Brandi Belowground, plastered billboards across the region with slogans like “Why Wait to Cross? Tunnel Time!” and “Ferry Rides Are for Tourists—Tunnels Are for Locals!”
Not to be outdone, Captain Jenkins commissioned a folk singer named Muddy Pete to compose “The Ballad of the Dorena-Hickman Ferry,” which became an unlikely regional hit. The song’s chorus—”She’s been crossing since forever, through the sunshine and the rain, and she’ll keep on floating proudly till the river meets the main!”—could be heard humming from the lips of longtime ferry loyalists throughout western Kentucky and southeastern Missouri.
The tunnel fought back with a social media campaign featuring Instagram influencers posting selfies with the hashtag #TunnelLife, showing themselves enjoying artisanal coffee and boutique shopping in the tunnel’s retail concourse. But the ferry countered with its own hashtag, #AuthenticCrossing, featuring photos of sunrise river views and the occasional bald eagle sighting.
Chapter 5: The Unexpected Alliance
Just as the rivalry reached peak intensity, both transportation methods faced a common threat: the proposed construction of a Hyperloop pod system that would shoot passengers across the river in pressurized capsules at 200 mph.
“This is an outrage!” declared Captain Jenkins, standing alongside Director Subterranean at an emergency press conference. “First they want to go under the river, now they want to ignore it entirely!”
Director Subterranean nodded grimly. “The river crossing experience—whether above or below the waterline—requires contemplation, a sense of journey. These hyperloop people want to turn crossing the Mississippi into a hiccup!”
Epilogue: The Truce of the Waters
In the end, the Dorena-Hickman Ferry and the Mississippi River Tunnel reached an unlikely détente. The ferry agreed to offer “Tunnel Combo Packages” for tourists who wanted the full crossing experience, while the tunnel installed viewing windows where passengers could observe the ferry passing overhead, accompanied by informational plaques about the region’s maritime heritage.
Captain Jenkins was heard to remark that while he still preferred the honest work of surface transportation, he had to admit the tunnel’s gift shop had excellent fudge. Director Subterranean, for his part, took to occasionally riding the ferry on weekends, claiming it helped him “stay connected to his transportation roots.”
And somewhere in Silicon Valley, a group of hyperloop engineers scratched their heads and wondered why their market research had failed to account for the deep emotional bonds between Midwestern river communities and their preferred methods of getting from one side of the water to the other.
The Mississippi River continued to flow, indifferent to the human dramas playing out above and below its muddy surface, carrying barges and memories toward the Gulf of Mexico with the same ancient patience it had shown for millennia.
The End